Body Image & Body Confidence

I don't necessarily think that body image issues and body confidence issues are the same thing. They can be. I won't argue that they overlap a fair amount, but I know that someone can have a relatively poor body image and have body confidence.

Body confidence is feeling at home in your skin. Willing to show it, flaws and all (if it's within their ideas of modesty).

Body image is a different matter. It's what we think of our bodies. It's how we relate to it and how we treat it. Feeling fat, feeling ugly, feeling like that somehow makes us unworthy to celebrate our bodies.

I struggle with body image. I struggle with seeing myself as I am and not letting my mind blow me out of proportion. I struggle with comparing myself to others and always finding myself lacking. It need not be BMI comparison, it could be hair, it could be bright sparkly eyes, it could be any number of things. I compare and I will find myself lacking.

Body confidence? I've never really lacked that, except for where I was when I started this journey in January. In January, I knew that something was wrong because I was suddenly unable to strut my stuff or show myself off.

I have scars.
I have never had a hard body.
I am pale.
My skin gets rashes when I stress out.

But I've never really had too many qualms about getting in a bikini or lingerie and knowing that the photos will be posted somewhere public. Maybe it's just my personality? I mean, when I took my Before photos, I was at my lowest body image point for years. I was berating myself every day. But I had few qualms about posting them on a public website for anyone to see if they wanted to. I wore a bikini this past weekend, even though I was with ladies who are far more in shape with much less softness around the belly area. I figured, I wanted the opportunity to get some sun on the pasty white belly I sport. (see, right there is a body image issue that I'm trying to combat. I still think of the one major sore spot for me when I think of how I look in a bikini.)

What are your body issue thoughts?
Do you strive for body confidence? Do you have a great body image and poor body confidence? Great body confidence and lack the best body image? Have you achieved both?

~Katie

Trying Something Out

When I was a kid, my mom made my lunch for school.

It was simple:
Sandwich (either meat or peanut butter based)
Juicebox (or milk from the cafeteria)
Fruit
Crunchy Snack
Dessert (sometimes 2 cookies, sometimes a little debbie cake)

That was the recipe. My mom made 4 lunches at a time, assembly-line style.

For the past few years, I have not had a sandwich for lunch. I've had Lean Cuisine or another frozen meal, gone on soup kicks, leftovers, going out for food, etc. And, after staying at my friend's house and making a sandwich for lunch the other day, I decided to give it a try. I can keep the ingredients at work, since we have an office fridge. I do, however, find myself getting HUNGRY around 3 pm. And going back to have another half-sandwich.

However, I'm missing things. I'm not bringing a drink, but I have tea here, and it suits me fine, so I don't need milk or juice. I'm making a sandwich very simple: sandwich thins, Laughing Cow Light Cheese wedge, 97% fat free turkey breast cold cuts. This comes to 4 WW points. I prefer to have a lunch be around 7-9 points, so I need to up my good calorie intake. I don't have a crunchy snack, and I forgot to get enough fruit for more than one day, and I have no dessert (not even fruit as dessert). So I end up starving at 3.

Today, I switched it up a bit.

I had a cup of soup that was packed with good proteins and was a 3 WW points serving.
I had a sandwich thin 2 WW points with a Laughing Cow wedge 1 WW point. So I had the 7 points I was aiming for.

And still, with the hungry at 3, when I took just 1 sandwich thin, 1 cheese wedge, and 6 slices of meat for my mid-afternoon snack.

I'm not sure if this is working for me. But we'll see what happens when I add in fruit at mid-morning and mid-afternoon. And maybe work out with myself to have a 2 point sweet dessert to close it out.

I am hungry, but I'm also working out, so I may be burning more points than the activelink is counting with the weightlifting.

We'll see how this week goes as I adapt to making a more routine lunch experience.

~Katie

A Weekend Away

I was away this weekend visiting with old friends. It was a great reunion. Much activity, and much talking, and catching up, and just getting to realize how far we've come in 10 years.

 And guess what?

 I did at least one of my workouts.

 On Saturday, I danced as much as I could, which was good, because I exceeded my ActiveLink goal.

 On Sunday, I did Push Circuit 1, sans video, so just the main reps based on my sheet before we went to go get massages. I knew that there was a tiny bit of time in the schedule, so I busted it out.

 Monday, I did not really get in much activity or working out because I was in the airport, waiting for my flight.

 So all was not lost, even though I did have much wine, much baguette, much cheese, and much popcorn. Today, it's back to the grindstone, so I'm headed over to grab groceries for the office since I'll be here for dinner tonight, probably.

 ~Katie

Tracking Update May

Tracking Day!

I know, it was supposed to be Tuesday, but I wanted to have a chance to recover (some) from wedding festivities.

I didn't have time to take measurements today, but I did have time to do TurboFire Fire 45 EZ and Abs 10 before my photos. Not sure if working out makes you immediately a bit bigger, or smaller, so we'll just call it a draw.

As you can see, my April & May photos are pretty much the same. I mean, it's really difficult to see any change at all. If I didn't label them, I would have difficulty telling them apart, especially the back one. I laughed when I put them next to each other because I guess one butt cheek is bigger than the other, so my swimsuit is skewed just the same exact way. 

I had a really difficult month. Between the special events (which I still tend to celebrate with food and beverages of the alcoholic variety), and the low motivation in working out, I would have expected to gain a lot of weight, which I did at some points, but never got too high. I'm actually 2 lbs lighter in the May photo than the April one! I think the only place you can tell is in my midsection and upper thighs. My haunches and the lower belly are a bit tighter and the upper thigh doesn't punch out as much, but that may be the lighting or my hand placement (forgot that I'd done the side-view photos with hands down last time).

Side

Front

Back

Progress! It may be small, but it's still progress!

I'm doing a Burpee-Off challenge with some of my craft beer buddies in June, so, if you're in Houston, we've tentatively set the date as June 23 at 10 am. It will be followed by Craft Beer. We are earning the beer. It will be 20-30 minutes long of doing as many Burpees as you can at whatever pace you can, in whatever form you can. We will have prizes! and I made this badge, because I'm a dork. Fill in the form to be kept up to date!

~Katie

Another Day

Yesterday, I tracked everything.

I forgot to wear my ActiveLink.

We biked to dinner.

We biked around after.

I had water when we got home rather than the beer before bed that I would normally have.

I did not do my TurboFire workout.

I am up in weight, and it stinks. I know what I need to do, but I'm not doing it. I just can't get myself out of bed in the morning to work out. And I want to spend time with people after work. I miss being social! Even if it's not really being social, it's just being out.

Tonight, I will do the workout I missed this morning. I will do laundry. I will clean the house, and I will pack. I will clean out the storage/work room and put everything where it needs to be, so I'm not overwhelmed with it when I get back and decide to extend my BeerSox break. I need to get back on track with everything. I will clean the bedroom and put away the laundry, so that I can take photos of the bed to sell on craigslist before the new mattresses for the new bed arrive. (by the way, are you looking for a queen sized bed?) I will do my workout, or at the very least A workout. Today is slated for Push circuit 3. I was hoping it was a weight training workout. It's been too long since I slung around some iron. It makes me feel powerful, and strong, and like I can take on the world.

So that's a lot of stuff to do tonight. I will get most of it done.

Priority:
Workout
Dinner
Laundry (wash, dry, & put away)
Pack

Would be nice to also get done:
Clean & organize Storage Room
Soak & block #3 niece/nephew baby blanket
Clean bedroom of all floor debris
Break down & move all boxes to the garage

But I think that that's way more than I can get done tonight.
So I'll have to wait until next week for some of that. But now, it's written down. It's said. It's told. And I will get it done at some point. A lot of that is what I have to do to just get my head working in a forward direction. Rather than getting home and thinking that I can just read and take a bath and then maybe get to doing the things, I'm going to just take action immediately. Eat dinner, do laundry, clean a bit, and then, when my body has digested a bit, workout while laundry is cycling.

I can do this.

I can stick to it.

Luckily, I'm headed to my friend's house who inspired me to start the BeachBody programs in the first place, so she has a workout space and the DVDs, and the motivation/accountability that comes with knowing that I won't have to explain why I need to do my workout. It will be a good weekend of relaxation and fun with some very wonderful women I met 10 years ago while studying in France.

~Katie

Yesterday

Did I do my prescribed workout? No.

Did I make sure to bike hard to my destination after work? Yes.

Did I lose a bit of the water weight? Yes.

So I'm calling it a positive.

~Katie

Progress? Notsomuch

Today is supposed to be my tracking day.

After this past month, I just didn't feel like it this morning. 

Embarrassment? Maybe.

Shame? A bit.

Guilt? A little.

This past month has just not been good.

Lots of celebration. Lots of fun. Lots of mood swings. Little time for just being.

And I totally did that to myself. This was no one's fault.

No one asked me to get a metric tonne of candied popcorn, and no one forced me to eat it.

No one made me stay in bed rather than working out.

No one made me go to the bar to meet up with friends rather than working out.

No one made me do it. I just did it.

I chose to get the popcorn, and eat it.

I chose to stay in bed.

I chose to forgo the evening workout.

I chose to not track my food on the weekends and most weekdays.

I chose to just not be engaged.

I've been up and I've been down. I've been down to my lowest weight in months this past month and even bought size 10 pants, and wore them one day. But I think that I did it too soon. I let myself believe that I was doing alright, and I relaxed my drive. I relaxed and all the weight packed back on.

I sought out candy.

I sought out all the good stuff, and I jumped in with both feet.

And my mood suffered for it. I just couldn't get back in the groove. I didn't like the month of workouts I was on, but that was an excuse. I need to find a better location to workout so that I don't worry about falling through my floor in my 1920's craftsman home on pier & beam. TurboFire makes my whole house shake. I need to find a new location to work out, but I don't need to stop altogether.

This past weekend, I was out of town, celebrating for 4 days. All talking and drinking and eating, and a bit of walking. But just a bit. I brought my workout DVDs, but I didn't do them, there wasn't room in the hotel room, and there wasn't room in the workout room for what I needed to do. One day, I did actually get up and just went down to get in a walk and some running for a half hour before we went out and started the day with family. And I danced my toosh off at the wedding. ActiveLink says that I got 170% of my goal on Saturday.

But that still doesn't offset all of the enchiladas and queso and guacamole that I ate. Nor does it counteract the multiple margaritas, beer, and wine consumed.

I did make some better choices, trying to load up on greens and vegetables, and choosing less of the starch and cheese, but the food was SOOO GOOOD! And I didn't match it with my working out.

And, while fun, the whole 4 days of intensity, plus travel, completely sucked my energy out of me. I woke up on Monday morning sick in body, mind, and spirit. I called in, and took the day off. I didn't turn on anything that made noise (except for making my shake). I read. I communed with the animals, who are just one of the world's best mood helpers. I read. I ate a bit. But I was just silent, and still, and fed my imagination with books. James came home and brought the ginger chicken ramen that feeds my soul as much as my body, and he kept the silence and stillness (and took a good, solid 2 hour nap), and we read. We chatted a little, but mostly just read, and fed the soul. I felt much better by the end of the day, but I still didn't have it in me to work out.

So instead of waking up today, raring and ready to go take my photos and weigh in and take measurements, I am still in the mid-170's, still wearing size 12 or 14. 12 in most brands (which is still progress from where I started), but still a couple brands that I need 14 in.

So here's the deal: 

I promise to complete my workout every day from today until my next rest day (which is Monday), and continue for the rest of the month. 

I promise to track every little bit, even if I'm overdoing it.

I promise to make time for myself, so that I am not overwhelmed to the point of needing to retreat for an entire day again, even when family obligations exist.

I also promise, I will track on Thursday or Friday morning, with photos. I know it's just a few days away, but I feel like I may be ready then. I would like a book end for this coming session. 

~Katie

Kicking It Into High Gear

So.

I said I was recommitting, and I totally am!

Yesterday, I got back into the Shakeology habit, and I really must say that it helps to have that kick of protein, nutrients, and the awesome sweet tooth abatement in the morning.

Last night, I went to the grocery to pick up some much-needed food and healthy snacks (like fruit), then I came home and did some dishes, shaped up some of the house, and got my butt into gear.  Last night, the workout was Fire 45. I was supposed to have done it on Saturday, but we were on 'vacation' and so I did HIIT 15, instead, and took Sunday off (when I was supposed to do HIIT 15). Yesterday was my rest day, so I used it as my makeup day and did Fire 45.

Wow.

By the end of that workout, I was more flailing than following the routine. It will definitely take me a few more times of doing it with the breakdown to get the hang of it.  My roundhouse kicks are pretty pitiful right now, but I'm putting in the effort, and not quitting halfway through. By then end of the workout, I was at 125% on my ActiveLink!

Yes, my face matches my tee-shirt. This is what my body does when I work out. I can't help it.

James and I ate dinner, which was back to routine. Eggs, scrambled and split between us, salsa, and I had two pieces of Ezekiel Raisin Bread with a bit of butter. I had had two pieces of whole grain Ezekiel bread with melted cheese and 97% fat free mesquite smoked jalapeno turkey breast slices before my workout. I also had a banana on my way home from the grocery store. And I had a beer. I love the Shiner summer seasonal Ruby Redbird. It's only 4.2% ABV and it has a bite of ginger and grapefruit, so refreshing. I know a lot of craft beer nerds turn their nose up at it, but even when compared to other craft beers made with ginger, it has the BITE that I crave from a good ginger beer without the sugar bomb.

So that was last night.

I went to bed around 10:30 pm. I've been getting really tired lately. I don't really know why, but I know that I operate best with 7.5-8 hours of sleep. That's what my body needs, or I just start shutting down in weird ways. I also knew that I wanted to start getting my workouts done in the morning. This means getting my rump out of bed before 8 am. Yes, I normally wake up at 8 am, quickly get ready and am out the door by 8:35 to get to work at 9 am. Why? Because I don't get to bed until midnight, and getting myself vertical after only 6 hours of sleep is near-impossible. I have learned this in the past 31 years. I have stopped being surprised by it.  So, even with my boyfriend mercilessly making fun of me for being old, I conked out at 10:30 pm. And guess what? When my alarm went off at 6:30 am? I was actually ready to wake up. I did laze about for another 25 minutes before getting to my workout, but I totally felt refreshed and ready rather than wanting one more hour in bed.

So I did my workout! Okay, I did part of my workout. On the slate for today was Fire 30 & Abs 10 from the TurboFire program. Since it was another new workout for me, I did the Fire 30 with breakdown promts, which makes it last a bit longer than 30 minutes, and so I really needed to get showered and out the door rather than do the Abs 10. It's 10 minutes. I can do that this evening after I run my errands.

This time, I ended up doing the low-impact workout modifications half-way through, and my roundhouses got about 2 feet off the ground. BUT I DID THE WHOLE THING!

I'm beginning to think, that with TurboFire, I need to work on fixing up the garage for workouts sooner rather than later. My old 1920's hardwood floor on pier & beam is not made for jumping around constantly. I'll have to look into getting a portable air conditioner for the garage and really putting in the time to fixing it up so I can workout out there and free up some of the living room space for James' things when he moves his things out of the apartment.

Not really down to pre-weekend weight, at all, but moving in the right direction!

~Katie

Getting Back in the Saddle

So.

I'm up about 5 lbs from the last time I posted.

Why?

1. Instead of throwing out/bringing to work all of the leftover caramel/chocolate popcorn & cupcakes from James' birthday celebration, I kept it in the house. This means that I had a serving (or two or three) each day.

2. I have been flagging on my workouts. Doing them halfway, or just not at all.

3. We've been out of palatable Shakeology for over a week. The Tropical Strawberry is disgusting in my opinion, and that's all we had until the next shipment of chocolate came in, we were SOL. In that week and a half, I realized how much starting my day with Shakeology has helped curb my cravings for SWEETS! I wasn't eating breakfast, so, at lunch, I went hog-wild.

4. I let myself 'celebrate' fitting into smaller pants. BY EATING.

5. I was just plain tired of 'being good'.  Do you get that? Do you, every so often, after months of being on track, just want to not care anymore? I do, I just get so burnt out of watching what I eat, making good decisions, eschewing high-sugar and high-fat dishes, watching my portions.

But now, I feel like I've let myself down. I'm ruining any enjoyment I got by beating myself up. But, guess what? I totally enjoyed every moment of indulgence. One week. Just one week.

I'm ready to recommit. I'm ready to get back on the saddle, to get back to my workouts and get back to reaching for my goals. Because a week from tomorrow, I'll be tracking. So I need to really focus on my diet and my exercise for the next week. And there's a wedding on Saturday, and wedding events on Friday and Thursday. But I can stay strong, I can moderate. I can dance and play and make sure that I enjoy life as more than just good food and beverages, right?

Goal: fit into those nice new jeans that I bought, and those new slacks.

~Katie

A Good Feeling

I started the day full of angst. I wanted, literally, to throw & break things. I figured I'd workout tonight until it was worked through.

My bad mood was accompanied by a racing heart. It had been this way since 9 pm. I was full of anxiety and frustration with something that I couldn't identify clearly. 

When this happens, I write. Train of thought writing helps to organize & identify my thoughts while allowing for refinement of word use. I usually also need to write TO someone or a group of someones to garner the idea of audience. 

I wrote.

I revised.

I wrote again.

I wrote it out until something clicked. When it clicked, when that one particular feeling was identified and clearly expressed, all of the angst fell away. My heart rate returned to normal, after about 12 hours of semi-panic attack levels. And I could get going with my day sans 10 minute interruption to fume or ruminate.

This is huge to me. 

It's a mental health hurdle.

I also had a non-scale milestone!

My black work slacks? The ones that, at size 14, were still tight on the waistband in January? Well, I still wear them. But today, I pulled them off without unclamping or unzipping them. And could pull them back on. Freshly washed & dried, too. Guess who needs a new pair of black work pants, now?

My new size 31 skinny jeans that I bought as a dangling carrot a couple weeks ago? I can button them & zip them! There's too much muffin-top to wear them out, still, but DUDE! I can button & zip them without too much difficulty. A less vain person would say that they fit. 

So here's the current photo update, and a sweaty face! I track two weeks from yesterday! Next week is heavy cardio, so I'm sure the numbers will drop! And the inches with them! Thinking about doing an intermediate measurement tonight. We'll see!

Yes! Look at the upper belly! There's waist shaping coming along really well! I'm getting my torso back!

Burn Circuit 2 completed! I did Stretch 10 after this photo. Sweaty sweaty!

~Katie

Keeping With It

I managed to make it through James' birthday weekend without losing too much track of myself. I did indulge. I did eat junk. But I also stayed active.

Now, this isn't to say that I'm being that great at sticking with my plan.

Why?

Well, okay, let's revisit my workouts for this period.

I'm in week three, right now, so 3 times a week, I have a 10-20 minute ab workout plus stretching for 10-25 minutes. I have 2 strength workouts per week, and one cardio day.  Half of the time, on those abs days, I'm horrible at planning. I think, oh, it's about 10 minutes of abs and the rest is just stretching. And so I push it. Or I get to the cardio day and have been feeling icky, so I try to finish it and poop out.

I need to finish out this week strong! Why? Because next week is the CARDIO WEEK! It's my ramp up, it's the big, tough week before I have my weigh-in!

It's a slow, low intensity section, and I just don't feel the drive to do it. But, guess what? I'm doing it!

And I've been riding my new bike around town! The weather has been unseasonably (and welcome) cool recently, so it's the perfect time to start getting out on the bike!

Tonight, I'm making up my ab workout that I failed to do yesterday. I may add it in to tomorrow's to stay on track, though, since it's date night.

I'm doing. Not just trying. Doing.

On another note, I've been officially diagnosed with ADD, something that I've joked for years about.  But now, I'm doing some reading into how it affects the adult brain.  It is crazy how accurate this is. Growing up, I was a total space-cadet, but really smart, so my grades rarely suffered, unless it was due to having to memorize facts or figures (I still can't do memorization to save my life).  Anyways, I'm reading up about it because I want to be sure, when we approach looking at medication, that we have the right kind. I'm pretty sure I would not react well to a stimulant.

Progress. Knowledge is power.

Do. There is no try, only do. (Did I mention that we had a May the 4th, Star Wars party for James?)

~Katie

5% & 5 lbs

I like looking at trends. They give me comfort.

I also like milestones.

Today marked 5 lbs down from starting Weight Watchers. And it marked losing 5% of my starting weight.


Looking over the past performance these 10 weeks, I've lost 10 lbs. (or so) at this rate, it will be October before I'm at my goal weight. And while on one hand, I'm excited that it's within a year, I'm a bit disappointed that it's not as soon as I want it to be. And I know that I can make some changes each week that will get me to that goal sooner rather than later.

I really want to increase my rate of loss to 2 lbs/week so I can be at my goal weight for my big summer trip to Nova Scotia and my cousin's wedding celebration in San Francisco. If I gear up to 2 lbs/week, every week, I'll be at my goal weight by August 1st, right on time!

This is a chart with my current weight loss and projected weight loss if I lose a certain amount each week.

So now I have a weekly goal to reach!

~Katie