Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Balance I Have Not Found

Written a couple of weeks ago.

I still haven't found my balance.
I'm on my third week back at work and I haven't found my balance.

I used to pride myself on always guarding my time away from work. I would not bring my computer home so that I didn't have an expectation to work at home. I would work late if I needed to, but it was at the office.

Now, I'm finding that maybe the best way to achieve balance is to make sure that I work from home a day or two a week, or a half day on certain days of the week.

I was running QC for a project over the weekend and the beginning of this week. The beginning is the most important time to be on top of things because if you let them slide for 6-9 hours, then that very well may be 6-9 hours of lost time and mistakes that could have been revised.

So I brought home my laptop and worked from home on Friday. It was glorious. I was on top of things, I was in touch with everyone, and I got to nurse my baby on demand, which only takes about 10 minutes per session out of my day rather than 30 minutes per session (sure, I can work while pumping, but the set up and disassembly is rather time consuming). I have a window in my guest room, where my desk is set up, too. Anyways, I was working around the clock, sleeping in short bursts and up until 3 am most nights. I would work from home in the morning and head into the office at noon and spend the afternoon there, where I could have meetings. I wish that could be my schedule every day. I really liked being able to work at home from when my son woke up until about 11 am and then get ready and go to the office when there was no traffic.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

Body Dysmorphia & the Post-Partum Body

I don't really remember feeling this way ever. Not even the first time I was recovering from pregnancy.

Walking around, and even glancing in the mirror every once in a while, I feel fantastic about my body. I've got some lumps. I've got some pooch over my C-Section scar. My boobs are gargantuan. But those things don't bother me. I still feel fantastic.

And then I put on clothes.

Or see a photograph.

And all of that confidence and positivity crashes to the ground because I see myself as this gigantic fat lardo. And I wonder if this is what everyone else sees when they look at me.

In my mind's eye, I am hovering around 150 lbs, as I did for over a decade. I now realize that it has been nearly 5 years since I was even near weighing that much on the regular. I've been hovering around 170-180 lbs for the past 5 years with occasional bouts of losing weight.

But in my mind's eye, when I get dressed, I'm that shape. I feel that shape. My body remembers that shape. And that is wonderful most of the time.

Until I am confronted with reality and actually see the extra 40 pounds on my thighs, around my midsection, in my ample bosom, on my upper arms, and under my chin.

And I remind myself to give myself some slack.

My midsection is still recovering from carrying a baby inside of it. Inside of the muscle. My body is still reorganizing to not accommodating an enlarged womb.

I have lost 90% of the pregnancy pounds that I put on. I am still about 2 pounds over where I was when I got pregnant and 10 pounds over where my lowest weight during pregnancy was. It hasn't even been 5 months.

My body is a powerhouse of milkmaking production and my curves comfort my child when nothing else can.

And I remind myself that how I react to my body and how I take care of my body and how I talk about my body is a projection to my child of how to view his own body and the bodies of those around him.

I want to teach him to take joy in his body. To move his body and keep his body in a form that will sustain him and sustain his health and goals. Joy. That's what I want. I want him to view bodies with joy. To make habits based on joy. If a body is not fed enough or is fed too much, it cannot sustain running and jumping and dancing, and cannot foster joy. If we fight against our bodies or disparage our bodies, we are not honoring them.

And so I must learn from what I want for him. And I must take the steps to interfere with my own self-critic and look forward into the joy of the body and having a body that is capable of incredible things.

Growing Life
Showing Love


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

So, I Have a Baby Boy, Now

I haven't blogged in forever.

It's been 20 weeks since Logan joined us in the outside world! Yay!

Last I updated was 36 weeks pregnant.

So here's a few photos of those few weeks leading up to Logan's birth.
I was working a ton and exhausted

Finally on mat leave, much more rested

T minus 1.5 hours until the arrival of our bundle of joy!

We stayed home for the first few weeks, and then we took off on an adventure. When Logan was 7 weeks old, we started the drive up to Nova Scotia, where we stayed for a month, then drove to Albuquerque, NM, stayed for a few days and then finally headed home.

I'm back at work now, and James is fulfilling his role as lead parent and DAD.

 In the coming month, I may not be focusing my blog on working out. I have a need to express my thoughts and I just may be doing a daily blog to get out my thoughts on the experience of being a working mom while keeping up with my exclusively breastfed baby by pumping at work, and figuring out the balance of when exactly to work out.

Thanks for the break!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

36 Weeks

By now, I'm 36 weeks along in my pregnancy, and boy, has April been an eventful month!

First up was Easter! We had my sister and her brood in town for a week, which was so much fun, that I forgot to take any photos. I cantored at Easter Sunday Mass, and we had a grand old time!

The next weekend, my group of girl friends threw a wonderful shower with my mom. The theme was "Wild" and they did such a great job with the food and decorations. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone and see some friends that I haven't had the energy to go out and see as much through the pregnancy.

I finished the first baby knitting project, a Baby Surprise Jacket! It was a quick knit and I'm glad that my baby will have at least one handknit ready to go when s/he arrives!

The third weekend in April, my PRBC (Post Rehearsal Brew Crew) group threw James and I a baby shower at the Flying Saucer in conjunction with each of the hosts earning a plate on the wall! A good time was had by all, and my choir friends were able to celebrate our impending arrival with us.

At 35 weeks, we finally started getting things put together in the nursery, building the dresser and putting away baby onesies. We're still not quite finished with the nursery, but we're getting closer and closer with every day that passes. Soon enough, we'll have art on the walls and books on shelves.

Which brings us to the 36th week. Only 3 more weeks until my scheduled c-section, and I'm starting to feel better from a cold I caught last week. There is nothing more miserable than being heavily pregnant and sick at the same time (okay, that's hyperbole, but it's not fun). I'm breathing freely again, and am looking forward to what May has to offer us! James's birthday, our anniversary, starting maternity leave, the arrival of our bundle of joy, family and friends coming in town to visit!


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

On Tuesdays, We Take Photos

And apparently, we wear our bangs twisted back and our hair up...

St. Patrick's Day! Had to wear my green and wear my gold shoes!

I think that this non-maternity shirt sang its swan song at week 31!

Still one of my favorite maternity dresses.

I wish I had a photo of me in my bikini from this weekend, but I tried to unplug as much as I could. James and I spent the weekend away at the beach and getting spa treated as an early anniversary/babymoon trip. I swear that I got a bit of color. I was asked how long I had to go many times, and when I said 2 months, most people's eyes bugged out. Yes, I will get bigger. Yes, I still have 7 weeks before we meet our baby.

I've been keeping track of my weight on my home scale, and right now, am up 23 pounds from when I got pregnant. I have not been paying attention to what the scale at the doctor's office says and looked at it last week. The difference in weight between home and there was over 15 pounds! So I'm just going to keep ignoring it and focusing on the consistent scale that I weigh on at home, in the buff, after my morning routine rather than at the doctors office fully clothed and I may or may not have had breakfast or food. No need to freak myself out over it if I'm staying well within range of weight gain at home and my doctor isn't harassing me.

I have noticed that my cheeks are starting to puff up a bit more now that I'm so far along.
The belly is bigger every single day, and putting on walking shoes is becoming something that I have to ask my husband for help with.
Heartburn is a daily ritual starting at 2 pm. 
I crave burgers, and have the dining habits of a college kid.
I have a love affair with Noosa yogurt that I'm sure I won't be able to continue when I don't have the pregnancy excuse. It is delicious, but it has a high sugar content from the mix-ins and it's rather expensive. I'll have to go back to plain yogurt with fresh fruit.
The baby likes to have a rave starting at 10:30 pm and going until about 12:30 am. I'm sure if I had an ultrasound, that baby would have glow sticks.
I keep wondering what the baby likes and how s/he'll react to our voices and what s/he'll look like and if s/he'll like music.
The nursery is the very slightest touch more done. We have a mattress in the crib and paint colors tested and picked (I went through about 4 trips to the paint store before deciding on the final colors).
I have pretty much decided that jeans and dresses with leggings are going to see me through the rest of this pregnancy.
We have some names picked out, but you never know.

I already love this baby so much. I can't wait to see this goober's personality develop and get to know him or her!


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

29 Weeks, and Counting

Today marks the first day of my 29th week carrying this kiddo.

I'm still within 20 pounds of my starting weight (yay!), but I haven't been that active through my pregnancy. One of my Lenten commitments is to take Riley for a walk on the non-rainy days (that I get home from work at a decent hour). I've been able to stick to about 4 days a week, and we walk about a mile, sometimes only 3/4 of a mile. My bladder can only take about that much.

Re-adjusting to a normal diet will be interesting once the baby comes. I've been craving all of the junky comfort foods and totally giving into the cravings. I think James will be very happy when I don't have the pregnancy excuse for wanting to order pizza every third night or have hot dogs and mac & cheese for dinner. Desserts are also a common presence in my world. I love them.

So: not the healthiest eating during this pregnancy. I'm working at getting some quality food into my system each day. I eat at least one tub of yogurt a day. I have also been keeping fruit around to curb my sweet tooth. This week, it's cuties. I could eat them by the half dozen, which doesn't do anything for my reflux, but it's better than reaching for a cookie or a cupcake. I'm glad that I don't have gestational diabetes because I would be in real trouble struggling to stick with a low-carb diet right now. My numbers for the test were great, and my insulin is doing its job so that there is none leftover to make the baby fat.

I've been fortunate that I don't have any major gripes about pregnancy. My body's been doing really well, and I actually have a better body image while pregnant than I did in the months before getting pregnant. Maybe it's because the extra padding I have is easily explained by being where it should be. Maybe it's because I'm not having adverse swelling. Maybe it's because of a hormonal glow. I still have a waist, when I look from the front.

I have a few aches that will probably get worse with the coming weeks, especially around my ribcage and my hips, but that's to be expected.

The baby is moving around like it's dancing at a Mahoney wedding.
We've finally got the nursery underway!

I am glad I didn't hold out on ordering the crib because the lagoon color is not available anymore.
I did wait too long on the fabric for the crib skirt I originally wanted, but that's okay. It means that I got to choose a different scheme that isn't dedicated to any one icon. It's all about color.


Okay. Finally and update, you're welcome.

Friday, December 5, 2014

When the Routine Stops

I had a pretty good routine going for a while:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Home Workout
Shove food in mouth
Hang out with Husband
Maybe do some chores or bath


And then I got pregnant and moved and it went to:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Home packing
Oh crap! Eat

And now it's moved on to:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Feed Animals & do some chores
Home chores
Eat something
Hang out with husband or bath

Notice something that fell out of the mix?
Working out after work

By the time I get home, I'm exhausted and I just want to eat something, take some time to decompress, and for the day to be done.

My original goal for December was to get back into a working out routine. My new goal is to simply work out more than once every couple weeks. Once or twice a week would be great. Does doing 10 squats each morning and evening count as a workout? Because I already started doing that!


PS I totally want to do a photo log that compares me now to when I started this blog. I have a feeling that I'm still looking more trim and fit than when I started. And that gives me a huge sense of accomplishment because I have come so far both mentally and physically in the past nearly two years!