I've been eating pretty much whatever I want, but I'm not really over eating. I'm just not eating balanced meals or snacks.
I've maintained my weight this week, hovering within a quarter pound of 177.5 all week. It's not great, but it's better than when I first returned from vacation.
And in some ways, this is okay. My brain needed a bit of time to just focus on all the other aspects of life. I just needed to let it go, and let it out.
It's not going to last, I decided to get a new program. I know, another new program. I justified it as being my purchase this summer since I have only bought 2 skirts and one pair of shorts since the beginning of June. I bought the second skirt last week when the zipper blew out of the skirt I was wearing at work. It's an old skirt, and the zipper gave way while I was sitting. I needed a replacement, and got one during lunch.
So I got PiYo. It's low impact, it's strength building, and it's made to increase flexibility.
Since the front room is newly cleared out, I'm planning on using that room for my workouts and may even start working out in the morning again. (that's a big maybe, I'm a total lunkerhead, and the thought of waking up early still makes me cringe)
There is a lot of my life that is in flux. Many aspects of my life are on the precipice of change or currently actively changing. It's all for the better.
However, I find myself reacting to the changes.
All I want to do at home is sit there and read and have a glass of wine.
I don't want to clean the house, but I have to. We're showing the house and nothing puts buyers off more than leaving your bed unmade and dirty dishes in the sink and dirty laundry strewn throughout.
I don't want to work out. I should work out. I really should, but it's the first thing that I throw out the window when I get home. I do the cleaning of the house instead.
I don't want to wake up early. Waking up early means that I have time to work out before work. It also means that I get 2-3 hours less sleep each night. I love my sleep. I need my sleep.
And as time goes on, I've been stagnant on the weightloss front. I gained weight over vacation, and am now in the 177 range that I have been toying with for MONTHS. I know what needs to happen. I need to eat foods that nourish the body rather than the comfort foods that I crave. I need to drink more water and less wine/beer. I need to work out for 30 minutes a day regardless of whether I feel like it or not.
Every day that goes by that I remain stagnant or continue with bad habits, I feel more guilty. I feel less attractive. I feel like I'm ugly.
I spent most of my vacation avoiding photos. I didn't want to look at them. Because all I saw was that I am 10 pounds heavier than I was this time last year. That I've slipped so much and let myself go. I got angry with myself and how I couldn't see the "looking good" that others kept commenting on. I found myself fighting them. Every compliment I was given was retorted with "ugh, I'm so fat" or "yeah, well, I wish I could see what you see" because all I saw was my big belly and my oversized breasts. And that I could have been working out, but I wasn't. I could have been forgoing the ice cream, but I didn't. I could have had a yogurt for breakfast, but I had raisin toast with butter or a donut, or both. I could have chosen to go for a walk, but I didn't. I could have chosen a million other things over the past year that would have been positive for my body, but I indulged. I was lazy.
And as much as I want to change, part of me is just plain tired of the constant battle inside my head.
But I won't. Because I do want to be healthy.
I would like to be 30 pounds lighter, or even 20 pounds lighter.
I know it's not an impossible goal, but it's not easy. It's a struggle. Every. Single. Day.
I had the countdown in my head every 15 minutes. Oh, there's still 45 minutes left? Oh, I'm only halfway done?! What, another 15 minutes?
But I kept with it. I gave it my all, and I worked hard.
I'm very much not in beach shape, but I'll still go out and show everyone my fleshy white belly at the Shore next week. I'm also determined to walk as many miles a day as I can while up there. I don't plan on downloading books to just sit back and read while there. Because if I have a backlog of books, I will read them and not run, jump, and be active. Nothing like the fresh air of The Shore to get you in the mood. Even when it is rainy and cold, sometimes.
I'd say that this past weekend was actually a step in the right direction.
While I still changed my mind at the drop of a hat that I wanted brunch, or that I wanted to have chicken wings and ice cream, and then we needed to go to the movies! Note: all of these endeavours ended up with a number of calories taken in (big surprise).
The part of the weekend 'routine' that I changed was that I worked out at least once! Yes! I actually woke up on Saturday and did my full workout. Things went downhill with the brunch and then sushi feast (with dessert) before the show at the theatre my friend was performing in. Sunday wasn't much better. We went to go suit shopping for James and then didn't have a plan for late lunch and we were both hungry. We drove around aiming towards home and stopped at Pluckers, where I had boneless wings and fries. Then we went to get ice cream at the supremo local ice cream shop.
The food was a bit indulgent.
And I didn't do my workout yesterday.
However, while we were watching Battlestar Galactica at the house at the end of the night, instead of just chilling on the couch, I decided it would be a good chance to do some low-impact ab work, leg work, and work on some low-weight bicep and delt work. Every little bit counts, right?
Judging by my progress, I'm not going to make my weight for the dietbet. I keep getting close and then falling back.
I'm just going to put my bets into the scale at my parents' farmhouse giving me a more preferable weight. And the thought has crossed my mind to bring my scale with me, since we're taking a checked bag.
PS I still feel slimmer than I have been in a while.
It's been a number of months since I last took a tracking image.
Some days I feel pudgier, some days I feel slimmer.
And all the days I weigh a bit more than I did a year ago. So I figured it was time for some reality and to take tracking images. This way, I have a better idea of what the reality is of my shape/size in regards to other months.
Even though I'm about 10 pounds over what I weighed a year ago, I'm very nearly at the same shape that I was at a year ago. Yay! Granted, I'm still on a journey, not all of it is weight-based, but some of it is.
Progress is as progress does. I didn't work out today. I have lots of catching up to do tomorrow.
I realized that since I didn't work out yesterday & tonight is Ladies of Craft Beer, that I needed to work out before I left the house.
This meant that I needed to finish by now so that I could sweat it out a bit before showering. So I did a half workout. 15 minutes of Combat 30.
I also have to get a copy of my key made to drop at the house & pick up the dog by 3 pm since people want to look at the house. I get it. It's a good house, so why wouldn't they want to see it? I guess I'm just still struggling with the mere concept of selling. At least it put a fire under me to clean up more than we have since James moved in?
Okay, time to hit the showers so I can get to the office on time.