All Around the Mulberry Bush

I'm just going to give August a wash.

My mood is all over the place. Happy, sad, mopey, angry, calm,  irritated, etc.

I'm working out not much. I actually have been doing some working out this week, so that's a positive. My muscles are sore from PiYo. I need to get used to the flow of PiYo, because doing it doesn't really get me revved up, but the after effects are definitely giving me the indication that I'm working hard. I think it's more towards the yoga side of things where the workout is more calm and collected. After so long of revved up workouts, it's different.

I'm working on just trying to keep my head above water most of the time because we're going through a transitional upheaval.

There is some good news that I can finally announce, since some papers are signed: I'm moving to a different position at work. I felt like it was time to learn something related, but new, and to work on defined projects again, so I'm moving back to processing in a slightly different capacity. I'll be associated with the same group I am now, but I'll have a different reporting structure and I'll be moving down the hall a bit to a different office. I'm lucky enough to have a great manager who responded well when I went to him to discuss my need for a change. Things progressed quickly and I'm glad to be supported through it.

Another good news, I can't quite let out of the bag, yet because things aren't solid and signed on more paper (some paper has been signed). So I'm still not letting myself get too attached to the transition. Stay tuned.

I'm still struggling with weight. Let's face it, I'm going through a TON of transitions and I often go to food for comfort. I've been doing it more than I should lately. But I'm mindful of that, and not letting myself go too far too often (says the girl who had ice cream and jalapeno spread with crackers as the whole of her dinner last night).

I'm seeing how I associate what I wear (and what I purchase to wear) on how I feel about myself. When I was all skinny mini, I wore a ton of bright colors. I had some basic neutrals to mix in, but I gravitated towards bright colors. Before I started this blog and this current journey, I had transitioned into buying greys and blacks almost exclusively. I wore greys and blacks and neutrals almost exclusively. I felt bad about myself. I felt unattractive, so I didn't draw attention to myself.

Lately, I go through the colorful/neutraldark cycle a lot. Every day, I dress for my mood. If I wear makeup, it's usually a day that I'm feeling better about myself. If I wear color, I'm in a better mood. If I do my hair rather than just putting it in a bun or ponytail, I'm usually reflecting how I feel. Overall, I'm gravitating towards color these days. I'm wearing color and buying color. I could wear coral every day head to toe (no joke). The past couple of days, I've been doing my makeup and doing my hair.

And something that I'm thinking about is the whole "fake it til you make it" mentality. If this is what I do naturally when I'm feeling good about myself and in a good mood, then should I force it when I'm not? Does wearing the color and doing my hair & makeup aid in changing my mood? Or is it okay to just let myself have an off day/week and feel those feelings, explore them, and figure out what I need to get out of them?

~Katie

Meh

I actually did a workout today.

I didn't give it my all. 

I pooped out halfway through, and just laid there.

But my muscles are shaking, and I feel like I've turned a corner on this whole giving a care about my fitness again.

So there's that.

~Katie

This Week

This week has been decidedly "Don't Wanna"

I haven't worked out once.

I've been eating pretty much whatever I want, but I'm not really over eating. I'm just not eating balanced meals or snacks.

I've maintained my weight this week, hovering within a quarter pound of 177.5 all week. It's not great, but it's better than when I first returned from vacation.

And in some ways, this is okay. My brain needed a bit of time to just focus on all the other aspects of life. I just needed to let it go, and let it out.

It's not going to last, I decided to get a new program. I know, another new program. I justified it as being my purchase this summer since I have only bought 2 skirts and one pair of shorts since the beginning of June. I bought the second skirt last week when the zipper blew out of the skirt I was wearing at work. It's an old skirt, and the zipper gave way while I was sitting. I needed a replacement, and got one during lunch.

So I got PiYo. It's low impact, it's strength building, and it's made to increase flexibility.
Since the front room is newly cleared out, I'm planning on using that room for my workouts and may even start working out in the morning again. (that's a big maybe, I'm a total lunkerhead, and the thought of waking up early still makes me cringe)

~Katie

Reacting

I'm going through a bad period right now.

There is a lot of my life that is in flux. Many aspects of my life are on the precipice of change or currently actively changing. It's all for the better.

However, I find myself reacting to the changes.

All I want to do at home is sit there and read and have a glass of wine.

I don't want to clean the house, but I have to. We're showing the house and nothing puts buyers off more than leaving your bed unmade and dirty dishes in the sink and dirty laundry strewn throughout.

I don't want to work out. I should work out. I really should, but it's the first thing that I throw out the window when I get home. I do the cleaning of the house instead.

I don't want to wake up early. Waking up early means that I have time to work out before work. It also means that I get 2-3 hours less sleep each night. I love my sleep. I need my sleep.

And as time goes on, I've been stagnant on the weightloss front. I gained weight over vacation, and am now in the 177 range that I have been toying with for MONTHS. I know what needs to happen. I need to eat foods that nourish the body rather than the comfort foods that I crave. I need to drink more water and less wine/beer. I need to work out for 30 minutes a day regardless of whether I feel like it or not.

Every day that goes by that I remain stagnant or continue with bad habits, I feel more guilty. I feel less attractive. I feel like I'm ugly.

I spent most of my vacation avoiding photos. I didn't want to look at them. Because all I saw was that I am 10 pounds heavier than I was this time last year. That I've slipped so much and let myself go. I got angry with myself and how I couldn't see the "looking good" that others kept commenting on. I found myself fighting them. Every compliment I was given was retorted with "ugh, I'm so fat" or "yeah, well, I wish I could see what you see" because all I saw was my big belly and my oversized breasts. And that I could have been working out, but I wasn't. I could have been forgoing the ice cream, but I didn't. I could have had a yogurt for breakfast, but I had raisin toast with butter or a donut, or both. I could have chosen to go for a walk, but I didn't. I could have chosen a million other things over the past year that would have been positive for my body, but I indulged. I was lazy.

And as much as I want to change, part of me is just plain tired of the constant battle inside my head.

But I won't. Because I do want to be healthy.

I would like to be 30 pounds lighter, or even 20 pounds lighter.
I know it's not an impossible goal, but it's not easy. It's a struggle. Every. Single. Day.

~Katie