Happy Holidays

We're back from our vacation to Nova Scotia!

We left to fly all day on Christmas Day and arrived to a full farmhouse of family, and feet of snow on the pasture!

We spent 3 days frolicking in the snow, playing games with the nephews, making food, eating food, drinking and spending quality time with our family. There was so much snow! It was absolutely beautiful, and we spent many hours outside sledding, hiking, and just plain having fun. I beat my steps goal every single day we were there, which is probably why I didn't come back having gained 10 pounds (only 2).

I was so busy having fun that I didn't take a single photo. Really. So I'll have to update sometime later when I can take some photos from James, who did take many photos.

I got back to knitting this past week or two, which I love. It's relaxing and it is a method of meditation for me.

In the new year, I'm doing my month of detox.
No alcohol in January, and I'm focusing on adding in some routines to my life to help to make me feel better about my abilities as a responsible adult.

One thing I started doing this week is doing a set of 10 pushups whenever I take a moment to think about it (which means I'll be doing 10 very soon, indeed). 10 is few enough that I'm not going to break a sweat, but enough that it is sometimes a struggle to really pound out that last one. I'm still on my knees, but something is better than nothing. I can do 10 in my office in just a few minutes, without disturbing anyone, it pumps some blood into my brain and refreshes me. Just trying to add little things into my day.

I also need to start taking small walks during the workday so that I keep my step count up.

~Katie

Yay!

Worked out today! I totally slacked this week. It is showing. Why didn't I keep strong through the holiday party week? Laziness.

But I got back to it. Not quitting full stop. I won't let that happen.

Fire 30. Plus some push-ups.

~Katie

Continuing the Project

I have been doing pretty well on the self-love project.

I have not been particularly good, but I catch myself most of the time, and turn it around, or reassess the situation from afar.

Yesterday was not one of those days. I was really, really mean to myself.

So I figured, it's better late than never to re-assess a situation.

Yesterday, I knew that I needed to get a lot of housework done before we left to go meet friends at noon.
I knew that I needed to get a workout in (and did not).
I knew that I needed to do the dishes.
I knew that I needed to do laundry.
I knew that I needed to finish putting up Christmas decor.
I knew that I needed to wrap presents.

Warning: This is rather raw and unpleasant. It is not a cry for help or for reassurance. This is just what I struggle with in turning around my mental view of myself and my first reactions.

What I did (and my internal monologue at the time):
I woke up around 8:30 am.
I then lazed in bed for another hour flitting around on the internet.
I fed the animals, and let the dog out to potty.
I walked into the kitchen and immediately started berating myself for not cleaning up the kitchen after I finished making cookies the night before.
I saw the pile of laundry in the bin, and started insulting myself over how messy I am and how am I going to raise a family with a house that they can invite friends to when I am so disappointed in my own efforts at housekeeping that I refuse to invite friends over for gatherings anymore. And how on earth are we going to raise children with a semblance of tidiness when we can't even do it for ourselves?! I am such a bleeping slob, etc.
I then started a load of wash, folded the dried sheets and put them away.
I then started cleaning off the countertops and sweeping the floor, doing the dishes and putting everything away.
Then the kitty Hobbes knocked over an ornament that was part of my classic NOEL wall-hanging that was waiting to be hung. Glass ornament. Shattered all over the floor. Because I hadn't put it up, and I hadn't put it away, yet.
And then I started berating myself for being so irresponsible. How could I be a homeowner? How could I possibly be regarded as responsible? And what am I going to do when we have kids?
And then I realized it was 11 am and I hadn't worked out or showered and that I hadn't woken up my dear fiance and he wouldn't have time to work out and that he should probably wake up now, because we needed to be somewhere in an hour. And in my harried state, I woke him up with a succinct, "wake up now, we have to be somewhere in an hour"
And then I started voicing my frustrations.
How could I possibly be such a horrible planner that I hadn't thought of this beforehand and why didn't I wake him up so that he could get his workout done? How could I have left him only an hour? What am I going to do when we have kids?
How are we ever going to get to a point where we can invite guests over again and there's not a giant pile of mess everywhere and dog fur all over the house?!

Re-Assess

1. Yes, I didn't plan well, but I still cleaned the kitchen and got the laundry started, so I'm counting that as a point in the responsible adult column.
2. A single broken ornament is not the end of the world. I can replace it. I have cats, what did I expect? Non-playfulness?
3. There's a lot of anxiety about kids in that mental diatribe. Why? Well, y'know, that whole getting married, giant life changes, and all? Yes, it's a big, huge change, that will mean many more huge changes. I get nervous about changes. But guess what? It's going to be fine. That point is not here, yet. As we prepare for marriage and family-rearing, it's a great time to start making those plans a bit more solid and to practice making the changes that we'd like to instill in our future children. Anxiety is a sign that I care and that it's important. It doesn't mean that we can't do it well.
4. James is an adult. He doesn't need me to wake him up or remind him of what our schedule is. Give him more credit. He's responsible for his own being. 
5. Take a deep breath, and make a plan. If I think I'm being messy, make it a priority to clean up. 
6. Don't worry about what other people might think. I see messes more than other people might. 
7. I can work on prioritizing.

In the end, a fresh perspective helps a ton.
Are there things that I'm not the greatest at? Sure
Are there things that I can work on? Absolutely!
Is it the end of the world? No.
Am I a horrible person because of my propensity towards messes? Not at all.
Does this mean I'd be a bad mother? No. Absolutely not.

~Katie

Not How I'd Prefer To Lose 5 Pounds

Let's take it for what it is: I had the flu this weekend.

What a pathetic face.

Not the flu that I'd heard about, that the rest of my friends and colleagues and loved ones had. It was my body's own version. I think everyone reacts to flu differently. Some have more respiratory issues, some have tummy issues, some have intestinal issues, some have fever, some don't, some have headaches, some don't, sometimes it lasts a week, sometimes a couple days. Everyone's flu symptoms differ with chemistry.

I felt fine on Saturday, and stayed home with James on Saturday night, since he had his version of flu Thurs-Saturday and I'd left him to fend for himself most of that time. We watched movies, I drank bubbly, and then crashed early. I woke up with a sore throat and feeling rather queasy. I wondered if it was the chinese food we had the night before. This morphed through the day.

It was not good.

I stayed home yesterday and had some of my first solid food in 24 hours: oatmeal, and saltines with chicken broth.

Skitz was quite sure that the chicken stock was for him. He kept trying to steal it. I barely had any. Low sodium chicken broth is yucky!

I still don't quite trust myself with more solid food.

But I dropped a whopping 5 pounds in 2 days.

Not that I am going to take a note from that and attempt to keep the sick going. But I'm drinking more water and having bland meals and keeping anything that could upset my tummy far far far away.

Shakeology was a godsend, because I knew it had a load of vitamins and minerals in it, and it's blended, so not difficult to digest. I had it when I finally felt I could on Sunday night and I am so glad that I did. It helped give my body what it needed without taxing my system.

I feel nearly human today. I would say totally human, but I'm nervous about working out because I'm still recovering, but I don't want to miss too many workouts in a row. So we'll see. I'll try. I'll take it easy.

James could tell when I was starting to feel more human. I stopped moaning every 5 minutes. When I have a fever, if it's not a very very high fever, I don't like taking fever reducers because the fever is doing its job of killing off the virus. Does that even make sense? But at the same time, I hate the way that a fever makes your skin super sensitive and how you ache all over and there's nothing to do and no position to relieve it. So instead, I moan and whimper every few minutes. Even when no one but the animals is there to hear me. Eventually, I took a hot bath with some bath salts to ease the feverish aches, and it worked wonders.

But we'll focus on the positives:
1. I lost some weight that had been nagging me.
2. I was forced to just pay attention to my body and rest.
3. I got some quality time in with my fiance and my animals.
4. It didn't last more than 2 days and I never developed a cough.

~Katie

Another Day, Another Workout

It may come as no surprise that I'd struggle through the holidays. Meals and parties lead to much indulgence on my part. I love a good party. I love to celebrate.

I will tell myself that I deserve pizza because I've had a rough day. And eat half of the pizza, then suffer gastrointestinal issues and a couple pounds of water retention. And then I'll struggle through a workout, finishing half of it because I didn't eat well enough to fuel the workout. Or I'll just give up halfway through because I waited too long and am running out of time.

I am struggling.

And I accept that. I'm also working through it. I could have forgone my workout today and given myself a bunch of excuses, but instead, I squeezed into my workout clothes (all the while regretting the giant mirror showing how my body reacts to the contortions of donning a sportsbra), and did my workout.

I didn't dog my workout, either. This week, my workouts have mostly consisted of barely getting into or past the aerobic zone. But today, today I even got into the anaerobic zone and the VO2 Max a bit. I almost quit halfway through, but I didn't! I took a small break and got right back to it.

So, while I struggle against blaming myself and then comforting that blame with food and beverage, I'm not going to let it stop me. I will continue this journey. 

To infinity, and beyond!

~Katie