New Beginnings, Again

Tomorrow will be:

My second weight watchers meeting since rejoining

A full week since I got laid off

The sixth day of working out following the turbo fire schedule

Third day working on a new knitting project

Finally updating my resume?

It's been a wild ride.

~Katie

Balance I Have Not Found

Written a couple of weeks ago.

I still haven't found my balance.
--------------------
I'm on my third week back at work and I haven't found my balance.

I used to pride myself on always guarding my time away from work. I would not bring my computer home so that I didn't have an expectation to work at home. I would work late if I needed to, but it was at the office.

Now, I'm finding that maybe the best way to achieve balance is to make sure that I work from home a day or two a week, or a half day on certain days of the week.

I was running QC for a project over the weekend and the beginning of this week. The beginning is the most important time to be on top of things because if you let them slide for 6-9 hours, then that very well may be 6-9 hours of lost time and mistakes that could have been revised.

So I brought home my laptop and worked from home on Friday. It was glorious. I was on top of things, I was in touch with everyone, and I got to nurse my baby on demand, which only takes about 10 minutes per session out of my day rather than 30 minutes per session (sure, I can work while pumping, but the set up and disassembly is rather time consuming). I have a window in my guest room, where my desk is set up, too. Anyways, I was working around the clock, sleeping in short bursts and up until 3 am most nights. I would work from home in the morning and head into the office at noon and spend the afternoon there, where I could have meetings. I wish that could be my schedule every day. I really liked being able to work at home from when my son woke up until about 11 am and then get ready and go to the office when there was no traffic.

Body Dysmorphia & the Post-Partum Body

I don't really remember feeling this way ever. Not even the first time I was recovering from pregnancy.

Walking around, and even glancing in the mirror every once in a while, I feel fantastic about my body. I've got some lumps. I've got some pooch over my C-Section scar. My boobs are gargantuan. But those things don't bother me. I still feel fantastic.

And then I put on clothes.

Or see a photograph.

And all of that confidence and positivity crashes to the ground because I see myself as this gigantic fat lardo. And I wonder if this is what everyone else sees when they look at me.

In my mind's eye, I am hovering around 150 lbs, as I did for over a decade. I now realize that it has been nearly 5 years since I was even near weighing that much on the regular. I've been hovering around 170-180 lbs for the past 5 years with occasional bouts of losing weight.

But in my mind's eye, when I get dressed, I'm that shape. I feel that shape. My body remembers that shape. And that is wonderful most of the time.

Until I am confronted with reality and actually see the extra 40 pounds on my thighs, around my midsection, in my ample bosom, on my upper arms, and under my chin.

And I remind myself to give myself some slack.

My midsection is still recovering from carrying a baby inside of it. Inside of the muscle. My body is still reorganizing to not accommodating an enlarged womb.

I have lost 90% of the pregnancy pounds that I put on. I am still about 2 pounds over where I was when I got pregnant and 10 pounds over where my lowest weight during pregnancy was. It hasn't even been 5 months.

My body is a powerhouse of milkmaking production and my curves comfort my child when nothing else can.

And I remind myself that how I react to my body and how I take care of my body and how I talk about my body is a projection to my child of how to view his own body and the bodies of those around him.

I want to teach him to take joy in his body. To move his body and keep his body in a form that will sustain him and sustain his health and goals. Joy. That's what I want. I want him to view bodies with joy. To make habits based on joy. If a body is not fed enough or is fed too much, it cannot sustain running and jumping and dancing, and cannot foster joy. If we fight against our bodies or disparage our bodies, we are not honoring them.

And so I must learn from what I want for him. And I must take the steps to interfere with my own self-critic and look forward into the joy of the body and having a body that is capable of incredible things.

Dancing
Singing
Running
Jumping
Growing Life
Feeding
Showing Love

~Katie

So, I Have a Baby Boy, Now

I haven't blogged in forever.

It's been 20 weeks since Logan joined us in the outside world! Yay!

Last I updated was 36 weeks pregnant.

So here's a few photos of those few weeks leading up to Logan's birth.

I was working a ton and exhausted

Finally on mat leave, much more rested

T minus 1.5 hours until the arrival of our bundle of joy!

We stayed home for the first few weeks, and then we took off on an adventure. When Logan was 7 weeks old, we started the drive up to Nova Scotia, where we stayed for a month, then drove to Albuquerque, NM, stayed for a few days and then finally headed home.

I'm back at work now, and James is fulfilling his role as lead parent and DAD.

 In the coming month, I may not be focusing my blog on working out. I have a need to express my thoughts and I just may be doing a daily blog to get out my thoughts on the experience of being a working mom while keeping up with my exclusively breastfed baby by pumping at work, and figuring out the balance of when exactly to work out.

Thanks for the break!
Katie

36 Weeks

By now, I'm 36 weeks along in my pregnancy, and boy, has April been an eventful month!

First up was Easter! We had my sister and her brood in town for a week, which was so much fun, that I forgot to take any photos. I cantored at Easter Sunday Mass, and we had a grand old time!

The next weekend, my group of girl friends threw a wonderful shower with my mom. The theme was "Wild" and they did such a great job with the food and decorations. It was so much fun to hang out with everyone and see some friends that I haven't had the energy to go out and see as much through the pregnancy.

I finished the first baby knitting project, a Baby Surprise Jacket! It was a quick knit and I'm glad that my baby will have at least one handknit ready to go when s/he arrives!

The third weekend in April, my PRBC (Post Rehearsal Brew Crew) group threw James and I a baby shower at the Flying Saucer in conjunction with each of the hosts earning a plate on the wall! A good time was had by all, and my choir friends were able to celebrate our impending arrival with us.

At 35 weeks, we finally started getting things put together in the nursery, building the dresser and putting away baby onesies. We're still not quite finished with the nursery, but we're getting closer and closer with every day that passes. Soon enough, we'll have art on the walls and books on shelves.

Which brings us to the 36th week. Only 3 more weeks until my scheduled c-section, and I'm starting to feel better from a cold I caught last week. There is nothing more miserable than being heavily pregnant and sick at the same time (okay, that's hyperbole, but it's not fun). I'm breathing freely again, and am looking forward to what May has to offer us! James's birthday, our anniversary, starting maternity leave, the arrival of our bundle of joy, family and friends coming in town to visit!

 ~Katie

On Tuesdays, We Take Photos

And apparently, we wear our bangs twisted back and our hair up...

St. Patrick's Day! Had to wear my green and wear my gold shoes!

I think that this non-maternity shirt sang its swan song at week 31!

Still one of my favorite maternity dresses.

I wish I had a photo of me in my bikini from this weekend, but I tried to unplug as much as I could. James and I spent the weekend away at the beach and getting spa treated as an early anniversary/babymoon trip. I swear that I got a bit of color. I was asked how long I had to go many times, and when I said 2 months, most people's eyes bugged out. Yes, I will get bigger. Yes, I still have 7 weeks before we meet our baby.

I've been keeping track of my weight on my home scale, and right now, am up 23 pounds from when I got pregnant. I have not been paying attention to what the scale at the doctor's office says and looked at it last week. The difference in weight between home and there was over 15 pounds! So I'm just going to keep ignoring it and focusing on the consistent scale that I weigh on at home, in the buff, after my morning routine rather than at the doctors office fully clothed and I may or may not have had breakfast or food. No need to freak myself out over it if I'm staying well within range of weight gain at home and my doctor isn't harassing me.

I have noticed that my cheeks are starting to puff up a bit more now that I'm so far along.

The belly is bigger every single day, and putting on walking shoes is becoming something that I have to ask my husband for help with.

Heartburn is a daily ritual starting at 2 pm. 

I crave burgers, and have the dining habits of a college kid.

I have a love affair with Noosa yogurt that I'm sure I won't be able to continue when I don't have the pregnancy excuse. It is delicious, but it has a high sugar content from the mix-ins and it's rather expensive. I'll have to go back to plain yogurt with fresh fruit.

The baby likes to have a rave starting at 10:30 pm and going until about 12:30 am. I'm sure if I had an ultrasound, that baby would have glow sticks.

I keep wondering what the baby likes and how s/he'll react to our voices and what s/he'll look like and if s/he'll like music.

The nursery is the very slightest touch more done. We have a mattress in the crib and paint colors tested and picked (I went through about 4 trips to the paint store before deciding on the final colors).

I have pretty much decided that jeans and dresses with leggings are going to see me through the rest of this pregnancy.

We have some names picked out, but you never know.

I already love this baby so much. I can't wait to see this goober's personality develop and get to know him or her!

~Katie

29 Weeks, and Counting

Today marks the first day of my 29th week carrying this kiddo.

I'm still within 20 pounds of my starting weight (yay!), but I haven't been that active through my pregnancy. One of my Lenten commitments is to take Riley for a walk on the non-rainy days (that I get home from work at a decent hour). I've been able to stick to about 4 days a week, and we walk about a mile, sometimes only 3/4 of a mile. My bladder can only take about that much.

Re-adjusting to a normal diet will be interesting once the baby comes. I've been craving all of the junky comfort foods and totally giving into the cravings. I think James will be very happy when I don't have the pregnancy excuse for wanting to order pizza every third night or have hot dogs and mac & cheese for dinner. Desserts are also a common presence in my world. I love them.

So: not the healthiest eating during this pregnancy. I'm working at getting some quality food into my system each day. I eat at least one tub of yogurt a day. I have also been keeping fruit around to curb my sweet tooth. This week, it's cuties. I could eat them by the half dozen, which doesn't do anything for my reflux, but it's better than reaching for a cookie or a cupcake. I'm glad that I don't have gestational diabetes because I would be in real trouble struggling to stick with a low-carb diet right now. My numbers for the test were great, and my insulin is doing its job so that there is none leftover to make the baby fat.

I've been fortunate that I don't have any major gripes about pregnancy. My body's been doing really well, and I actually have a better body image while pregnant than I did in the months before getting pregnant. Maybe it's because the extra padding I have is easily explained by being where it should be. Maybe it's because I'm not having adverse swelling. Maybe it's because of a hormonal glow. I still have a waist, when I look from the front.

I have a few aches that will probably get worse with the coming weeks, especially around my ribcage and my hips, but that's to be expected.

The baby is moving around like it's dancing at a Mahoney wedding.
We've finally got the nursery underway!

I am glad I didn't hold out on ordering the crib because the lagoon color is not available anymore.
I did wait too long on the fabric for the crib skirt I originally wanted, but that's okay. It means that I got to choose a different scheme that isn't dedicated to any one icon. It's all about color.

YAY!

Okay. Finally and update, you're welcome.

~Katie

When the Routine Stops

I had a pretty good routine going for a while:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Work
Home Workout
Shove food in mouth
Hang out with Husband
Maybe do some chores or bath
Sleep

Repeat

And then I got pregnant and moved and it went to:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Work
Home packing
Oh crap! Eat
Bath
Sleep

And now it's moved on to:

Wake up
Rush get ready
Feed Animals & do some chores
Work
Home chores
Eat something
Hang out with husband or bath
Sleep

Notice something that fell out of the mix?
Working out after work

By the time I get home, I'm exhausted and I just want to eat something, take some time to decompress, and for the day to be done.

My original goal for December was to get back into a working out routine. My new goal is to simply work out more than once every couple weeks. Once or twice a week would be great. Does doing 10 squats each morning and evening count as a workout? Because I already started doing that!

Cheers,
Katie

PS I totally want to do a photo log that compares me now to when I started this blog. I have a feeling that I'm still looking more trim and fit than when I started. And that gives me a huge sense of accomplishment because I have come so far both mentally and physically in the past nearly two years!

Hello Again!

Well, now that I'm moved into the new house, and things have settled down a bit, I'm back to evening workouts.

I signed up for a 5k on November 22nd to help motivate me to get out & use the very convenient hike & bike trail that connects to our neighborhood. I will admit to not doing much more than a 2 mile walk every week, or two, for the past month and a half.

I've been exhausted pretty much 24/7, which is the most significant symptom I've had in my first trimester. Built in portion control from a body that can eat about a cup and a half of food in one sitting has helped me avoid gaining weight this first trimester. Not going out due to exhaustion & moving also helped keep me away from pub grub, lending extra help to lose 8 pounds between conception & now. My doctor is not worried, he's supportive as long as I'm eating enough & not suffering nausea.

So, not much working out, and 5k coming up.

Add to that, daylight savings time, and not being someone who wakes up early, and there was a possible excuse for continuing not working out when I know I need to train for this 5k. 

Enter the excuse buster:

This little light of mine, well, I let it shine!

By the end of 3 miles, I was ready to rip it off of my forehead, but I'll have to adjust the band. It worked great & it kept me from using the cover of darkness as an excuse.

Here's to a continuing healthy pregnancy!

~Katie

Got Buns, Hon?

Just finished a killer buns workout this evening!

This has been a stressful & full couple of weeks! However, I haven't hoovered any bags of candy, and my nutrition remains at a higher quality than normal. I'm not sticking to 21 day fix adamantly, but I have been bringing my lunch 3 out of 5 days, cooking dinners at home, and upping my water intake. 

While I haven't been doing as many DVD workouts, I've been fitting in 30+ minute walks into my week at least twice a week.

While it's less than I have done in the past, it's better than I've been for most of the past year, which is fits & starts of 2 weeks on, 4 weeks off.

Yay!

~ Katie

Core

I'm slowly familiarizing myself with the different PiYo workouts. Not really following a schedule yet, but I'm happy when I actually do a workout about 3 times a week.

Today, I did the Core workout.

James convinced me to workout before we could go to brunch. Now I have to shower & he has to shower, so who knows if brunch will even materialize.

~Katie

Half Is Better Than None

I did half of the Drench workout tonight. I didn't realize it was almost an hour when I started it, and pooped out at half an hour.

It lives up to it's name.

Now off to the grocery store to stock up since I'm out of some of my lunch foods.

~Katie

Sunday Hustle

Got in a hard core workout today using the strength slides!

Now to go grocery shopping to prep for a week of meals!

All the veggie & fruit prep!

~Katie

Nutrition

Today was a pretty good day. 

Walked about 5 miles with my husband.

Ate a small lunch.

Then shot it all to pieces with a pizza.

I think it's time for me to break out the containers again & go for the idiot-proof nutrition boot camp of 21 Day Fix. Just this time, I'm counting everything & making sure that I don't cheat beverage-wise. Sure, the directions allow for 2 4oz servings of wine a week, but then I'd have a nearly full bottle sitting around, and that's just a waste.

So I'm going without that.

This month is huge. Selling our house, finding another (and hopefully having an offer accepted), getting more established in my new role at work.

With enough stress that way, I need to feed my body right & establish better de-stressing habits along the way. Like herbal tea to let the weight of the day lift.

I can do this.

~Katie

Tuesday Leg Day

Today was Define Lower in the PiYo workout. Tomorrow is something I haven't done: Core!

Yes, it's blurry. Yes, I'm sweaty.

It's a good little workout.

~Katie

Sweat It Out

Got off my duff & worked out this evening!

Tonight was Sweat, the workout I was planning to make up, but didn't. I've been tracking food pretty well last week. The weekend went out the door, though.

Just keeping on keeping on.

~Katie

Keeping On

Yesterday, I had a bit of an issue wanting to do more than be a lump. So, I didn't do my workout.

Today, I did said workout. And found out it was only 18 minutes long. So, yeah. I really should have just done it yesterday. Instead, I pushed my workouts so that I'm not getting a rest day tomorrow.

Oh well.

Today, I was in training for my new position at work. I cannot say how much I missed processing data. I have needed this change for a while, and I am so glad I finally decided to voice my desire to change. I'm glad to have had the chance to push my boundaries, but right now, I work much better within them.

Now to grab some food.

~Katie

Day Once Again

I start over a lot. I fail a lot.

But at least I don't full on stop forever.

Keeping with the recommitment, I did Tuesday first week of PiYo workout. I need to work on my setup a bit, because yoga mat on floor hurts me & O now have yoga mat on top of my blocking tiles for a bit of cushion under my knees & wrists. 

It's been great for relieving some of the aches on my body and letting me actually do the workout rather than stopping halfway through because my wrists are screaming at me. However, the tiles don't stay together when I'm putting pressure on them like in down dog. Oh well. Better than nothing, right?

I'm glowing, and feel great having continued with my dedication longer than 12 hours. ;-) 

No, seriously. 

~Katie

Riding In Cars With Boys

This weekend was the last weekend in August. The month of sloth.

James & I took Friday to drive to Albuquerque to meet our nephew! 845 miles, so 13 hours plus breaks to get there. That's a lot of sitting in a car with the temptation to just snack our way through the long drive. We did have a relatively healthy lunch, though!

I did use the stops along the way to do some gas station yoga which was mostly warrior poses.

I find it easier to drive on road trips when we are listening to an audiobook, and James had listened to John Scalzi's new book Lock In narrated by Wil Weaton last week, and loved it. It just so happens that it was also narrated by Amber Benson since the main character's gender is never referenced, it lends a different aspect to the same book. We listened to the version by Amber Benson on the drive from Houston to Albuquerque. I highly recommend it.

We had a great time in ABQ visiting with family, meeting our nephew & soon-to-be godson as well as celebrating James' grandfather's birthday! We were just there for two full days, but we packed a lot of visiting in there. I even joined James for the last half hour of COMBAT 60 on Saturday morning.

Today, we headed out at 4:30 am mountain time & arrived home at about 8 pm. I again did some gas station yoga, but we didn't stop as often. We stopped around 6:30 am to get McDonald's breakfast, which is one of the very few times I have eaten fast food this year (I can count the times on my fingers). As such, we didn't stop for lunch, just snacked on the peanuts & skinny pop we packed with us, and the fries I caved for when we had 4 hours left to go.

On this drive, we continued the Scalzi track by listening to Old Man's War which was very well narrated & kept me wanting to keep going so we could keep listening!

Once we got home, I felt like working out the links of being in the car all day, and did PiYo Sweat. It's about 35 minutes of stretching & strength workout. I think it was good for me to start off with a workout for a new month.

So here's to a new month, and a renewed goal. I just want to work out. I want to move & sweat every day for at least half an hour.

~Katie

All Around the Mulberry Bush

I'm just going to give August a wash.

My mood is all over the place. Happy, sad, mopey, angry, calm,  irritated, etc.

I'm working out not much. I actually have been doing some working out this week, so that's a positive. My muscles are sore from PiYo. I need to get used to the flow of PiYo, because doing it doesn't really get me revved up, but the after effects are definitely giving me the indication that I'm working hard. I think it's more towards the yoga side of things where the workout is more calm and collected. After so long of revved up workouts, it's different.

I'm working on just trying to keep my head above water most of the time because we're going through a transitional upheaval.

There is some good news that I can finally announce, since some papers are signed: I'm moving to a different position at work. I felt like it was time to learn something related, but new, and to work on defined projects again, so I'm moving back to processing in a slightly different capacity. I'll be associated with the same group I am now, but I'll have a different reporting structure and I'll be moving down the hall a bit to a different office. I'm lucky enough to have a great manager who responded well when I went to him to discuss my need for a change. Things progressed quickly and I'm glad to be supported through it.

Another good news, I can't quite let out of the bag, yet because things aren't solid and signed on more paper (some paper has been signed). So I'm still not letting myself get too attached to the transition. Stay tuned.

I'm still struggling with weight. Let's face it, I'm going through a TON of transitions and I often go to food for comfort. I've been doing it more than I should lately. But I'm mindful of that, and not letting myself go too far too often (says the girl who had ice cream and jalapeno spread with crackers as the whole of her dinner last night).

I'm seeing how I associate what I wear (and what I purchase to wear) on how I feel about myself. When I was all skinny mini, I wore a ton of bright colors. I had some basic neutrals to mix in, but I gravitated towards bright colors. Before I started this blog and this current journey, I had transitioned into buying greys and blacks almost exclusively. I wore greys and blacks and neutrals almost exclusively. I felt bad about myself. I felt unattractive, so I didn't draw attention to myself.

Lately, I go through the colorful/neutraldark cycle a lot. Every day, I dress for my mood. If I wear makeup, it's usually a day that I'm feeling better about myself. If I wear color, I'm in a better mood. If I do my hair rather than just putting it in a bun or ponytail, I'm usually reflecting how I feel. Overall, I'm gravitating towards color these days. I'm wearing color and buying color. I could wear coral every day head to toe (no joke). The past couple of days, I've been doing my makeup and doing my hair.

And something that I'm thinking about is the whole "fake it til you make it" mentality. If this is what I do naturally when I'm feeling good about myself and in a good mood, then should I force it when I'm not? Does wearing the color and doing my hair & makeup aid in changing my mood? Or is it okay to just let myself have an off day/week and feel those feelings, explore them, and figure out what I need to get out of them?

~Katie