Weekend

I really didn't do that well this weekend.

I ate too much on Friday and didn't do my workout.

I did my workout on Saturday, but then didn't have that great of a dinner.

------
This is not really a positive post. I realize I'm probably being harder on myself than I need to be, but I'm struggling with it.
------

I did not work out Sunday because I didn't get out of bed in time to do my workout before going to Mass. Then I had brunch with friends, which was fun, but I totally over indulged. Then, after painting the dining room, we ordered pizza.

So I'm just calling it a wash. I tracked it all, but I really should have made more of an effort to work out.

Can't change the past. So I brought my workout clothes with me today. I found out where the women's shower is at work (in another building) so I can actually take a mid-day run. My only issue is that I didn't bring lunch with me. That was really a lapse in planning. I guess I'll go to the cafeteria after I finish my run to pick something up.

My bachelorette party and bridal shower are this weekend. I'm excited to see everyone and so afraid that I will have nothing to wear since I seem to be unable to maintain an attitude committed to weight loss. I just end up sabotaging myself like this past weekend. I'm up, I'm down. I start exercising more and I'm not missing workouts for 3 weeks and then I miss 2 workouts in 3 days. I steadily lose weight for 2 weeks and then I go hog-wild and gain 4 pounds.

I know most people can actually feel inspired to get to goal for big events like weddings. For me, it's the opposite. I would LOVE to be in better shape than I've been in since August for the wedding! And the more that I try and the more that I think about it, the more weight I gain, and the more I stress-eat. So the goal ends up being the nightmare and stressor. That brings me further from my goal in the end.

We got our engagement photos back this week. I love them, mostly. I love the love you can see in them.

And I can't help looking at my body and feeling like I've wasted the past 6 months getting larger rather than smaller and that these photos will forever be fat-me. Frozen in time. Fat-Katie with a double chin.

Which is absolutely ridiculous because not many other people will see it that way. Most likely no one will see them that way.

And I really don't want to see my wedding photos and think that. But I'll just have to live with the fact that I can't magically lose 30 pounds overnight. There are 54 days until our wedding. Just under 8 weeks. Even losing 2 pounds a week, which will take a ridiculous amount of self-control and stress-control, that's 16 pounds. I still won't be my ideal weight. I'll be halfway there. I just have to actually stick to it. I have to actively think of every single thing that I put in my body and ask if it's worth it. I have to make the hard decision to make a meal rather than buy a meal. I have to wake up 2 hours early to get in an extra workout a day so that I'm not going 50 points in the hole each week. That's 5 50 minute runs, if I don't change my eating habits.

And part of me feels like this is too much. I shouldn't be so unhappy with how I look.

Right now, I'm operating on a lot of "should"s.
I SHOULD be able to do this.
I SHOULD be able to do that.
I SHOULD be able to succeed in all of these ways that I'm failing.

But all I can do is what I can do. I don't need the extra stress of trying to fulfill all of the "should"s that I'm falling short on. Each day, I start over. Each day, I try to stay within my goals. And I need to remember that on the days that I just want to throw the plan out the window, like yesterday. I need to remind myself on those days when the house is turned upside down and there is no counterspace to cook on that there's a better choice than pizza.

Because I don't want my struggle with weight to keep me from enjoying a day of celebrating forging ahead in a life together among our families and friends.

~Katie
--------
Addendum:
I'm revisiting this post because I feel that there's more to be said, and some things that I didn't quite express the way that I wanted to.

1. I really do love my engagement photos. Yes, there is the self-critical eye that I'm trying my best to see through, but for the most part, I see our love, I see the skill of our photographer, and I remember how fun that day was. That's what I see and feel when I look past nitpicking my physical self. And honestly, I'd rather deal with my own personal perception demons than look at them and critique the skill with which they were taken or to have never taken them at all for fear of what I would look like. Photographs are markers for memories, a moment frozen in time. When I look at photos of other people, I rarely see what they see, I see what the image is ABOUT. People won't see Katie with a double chin, they see Katie laughing joyously because James has said the perfect thing to get her started.

2. I refuse to crash diet or lose weight at an unhealthy rate due to over-exercising or under-eating. I am fine with modest rate of loss and plan to continue my journey to fitness after the wedding, just as I began long before we got engaged. Would it have been really great to have met my goal by the wedding? Absolutely. Do I still plan on doing everything I can to make sure that I look great in my dress? Yes! But I also realize that I won't miraculously reach my 30 pound goal in 8 weeks (and if I did, I hope that someone would pull me aside and make sure that what I was doing was healthy).

3. Honestly, given my ability to fixate and stress over deadlines, I need to have a heart to heart with myself and decide that there is no deadline for my goals.  If stress triggers unhealthy eating and lack of enthusiasm, then I need to eliminate as much stress as I can. Our wedding is a date. I will achieve what I've achieved by then. It's a point in my life, it's not THE point in my life. My life has been a journey. I've had times of great fitness, times of great mental health, times of horrible fitness, times of horrible mental health, times of being too skinny, and times of being overweight. And right now, I may be on that cusp of overweight, but I also am doing so much better mentally and am happier than I've been in years. It's all about perspective, I guess.