Continuing the Project

I have been doing pretty well on the self-love project.

I have not been particularly good, but I catch myself most of the time, and turn it around, or reassess the situation from afar.

Yesterday was not one of those days. I was really, really mean to myself.

So I figured, it's better late than never to re-assess a situation.

Yesterday, I knew that I needed to get a lot of housework done before we left to go meet friends at noon.
I knew that I needed to get a workout in (and did not).
I knew that I needed to do the dishes.
I knew that I needed to do laundry.
I knew that I needed to finish putting up Christmas decor.
I knew that I needed to wrap presents.

Warning: This is rather raw and unpleasant. It is not a cry for help or for reassurance. This is just what I struggle with in turning around my mental view of myself and my first reactions.

What I did (and my internal monologue at the time):
I woke up around 8:30 am.
I then lazed in bed for another hour flitting around on the internet.
I fed the animals, and let the dog out to potty.
I walked into the kitchen and immediately started berating myself for not cleaning up the kitchen after I finished making cookies the night before.
I saw the pile of laundry in the bin, and started insulting myself over how messy I am and how am I going to raise a family with a house that they can invite friends to when I am so disappointed in my own efforts at housekeeping that I refuse to invite friends over for gatherings anymore. And how on earth are we going to raise children with a semblance of tidiness when we can't even do it for ourselves?! I am such a bleeping slob, etc.
I then started a load of wash, folded the dried sheets and put them away.
I then started cleaning off the countertops and sweeping the floor, doing the dishes and putting everything away.
Then the kitty Hobbes knocked over an ornament that was part of my classic NOEL wall-hanging that was waiting to be hung. Glass ornament. Shattered all over the floor. Because I hadn't put it up, and I hadn't put it away, yet.
And then I started berating myself for being so irresponsible. How could I be a homeowner? How could I possibly be regarded as responsible? And what am I going to do when we have kids?
And then I realized it was 11 am and I hadn't worked out or showered and that I hadn't woken up my dear fiance and he wouldn't have time to work out and that he should probably wake up now, because we needed to be somewhere in an hour. And in my harried state, I woke him up with a succinct, "wake up now, we have to be somewhere in an hour"
And then I started voicing my frustrations.
How could I possibly be such a horrible planner that I hadn't thought of this beforehand and why didn't I wake him up so that he could get his workout done? How could I have left him only an hour? What am I going to do when we have kids?
How are we ever going to get to a point where we can invite guests over again and there's not a giant pile of mess everywhere and dog fur all over the house?!

Re-Assess

1. Yes, I didn't plan well, but I still cleaned the kitchen and got the laundry started, so I'm counting that as a point in the responsible adult column.
2. A single broken ornament is not the end of the world. I can replace it. I have cats, what did I expect? Non-playfulness?
3. There's a lot of anxiety about kids in that mental diatribe. Why? Well, y'know, that whole getting married, giant life changes, and all? Yes, it's a big, huge change, that will mean many more huge changes. I get nervous about changes. But guess what? It's going to be fine. That point is not here, yet. As we prepare for marriage and family-rearing, it's a great time to start making those plans a bit more solid and to practice making the changes that we'd like to instill in our future children. Anxiety is a sign that I care and that it's important. It doesn't mean that we can't do it well.
4. James is an adult. He doesn't need me to wake him up or remind him of what our schedule is. Give him more credit. He's responsible for his own being. 
5. Take a deep breath, and make a plan. If I think I'm being messy, make it a priority to clean up. 
6. Don't worry about what other people might think. I see messes more than other people might. 
7. I can work on prioritizing.

In the end, a fresh perspective helps a ton.
Are there things that I'm not the greatest at? Sure
Are there things that I can work on? Absolutely!
Is it the end of the world? No.
Am I a horrible person because of my propensity towards messes? Not at all.
Does this mean I'd be a bad mother? No. Absolutely not.

~Katie