Continuing the project

I will admit to struggling with this project. My first reaction to things not meeting expectations is to blame myself. I am struggling with looking at the situation & finding the lessons learned rather than simply the parts I failed to perform.

When someone doesn't have as good of a time as they expected, I blame myself. I wallow. I find all the ways that I failed that person.

I should have pushed myself.

I should have been more exciting.

I should have made more new friends.

I should have stayed out later.

I should have laughed more.

I should have been the life of the party.

I should have planned better.

These thoughts are dangerous. These are the thoughts that I'm trying to teach my brain to avoid. And it is so difficult to break the habit. It is so difficult to simply look at the situation with open eyes and accept it at face value: expectations were not met. 

What can be changed in the future to meet them? Do the expectations need to be changed? Does the preparation need to be changed? Does the approach need to be changed? Or was it all circumstantial?

My friend Christine has a motto: You are enough.

I am working to believe that deep down. I  am enough. 

I am enough. Whether I am exhausted physically & emotionally, I am enough. Whether I have doubts & question the future, I am enough. Whether the happy facade has left higher expectations from others or not, I am enough.

I am enough.

Strong enough.

Smart enough.

Loving enough.

Fun enough.

Kind enough.

Driven enough.

Forgiving enough.

Just plain enough.

Today, I am enough.

~Katie

Project Day 3 & 4

Yesterday, I struggled with willpower. I have been restricting myself so much lately, and set aside extra money for the trip just in case. I did not plan on spending the whole *extra* vacation budget in one place. I totally did.

I gave in. I bought everything that my heart desired. I just let myself go hog wild. And stopped when I reached my predetermined *extra* vacation budget.

And it felt good.

Until I was tempted to start second guessing myself and thinking that I had been horribly irresponsible.

And so I started looking into why it felt so good to just give in. And what I had done to prepare for it. And how it really was okay. Indulgent? Absolutely. But it was okay. It's not the end of the world.

Today, we set up for GABF & have the first session! It's so exciting!

And I made myself (and soon James) a delicious, and nutritious breakfast sandwich!

~Katie

Project Day 2

Yesterday was lovely. We walked around downtown Denver, ate a brilliant brunch at Snooze, then wiled away the early afternoon sampling beers and taking the tour at Great Divide Brewery. 

I knew that we needed to be ready to drive half an hour away at 5:30 pm, so I did quite well at moderating my beverage selection given the plethora of options.

We drove out to meet James' best friend from high school & freshman year roommate, who will be one of the groomsmen. They brought us to this adorable pizza joint up in the mountains. The pizza was to die for. They specialize in what they call mountain pie. The crust is thick & fluffy, great for dipping. We chatted & had a great time. It was great to see James & his friend reliving old times. You can tell how close they are.

My body was not behaving itself, and I hope I didn't ruin first impressions by having to make a swift getaway at the end of the night. 

All in all, we had a lovely day. Now, I'm going to see if we have gym access and get in a workout so we can go eat breakfast! We still haven't bought groceries, so dining out, it is!

~Katie

Mantra: I am a curious person who loves learning new things about people & places.

Working on the self-love

Right now, I'm sitting in a great condo in downtown Denver.

I have just completed a month of 12-16 hour days. Intense stress, and little time to devote to working out or eat correctly has me a bit more plump. I have managed to maintain my weight (win!) but have so much muscle atrophy. 

I have a tendency to beat myself up. I look at what I want and measure myself against that rather than measuring against where I've come from.

I have made leaps and bounds of improvement over my state in January.

I have come so far. It has not been easy.

In order to help turn my view of myself around, I'm focusing on having 100 days of self-empathy. 100 days where I build myself up, and support myself mentally. 

And it starts now.

I have worked hard. I have built a business from the ground up and I have the opportunity to participate in this awesome festival! I have worked hard and earned enough vacation & funds to take the whole week to explore this wonderful city with my fiancé. 

And we are going to have so much fun today!

~Katie

Plateau

I'm actually surprised I have managed to maintain my weight this month.

Stress.

Injury.

Illness.

I haven't worked out in what seems like weeks.

I have been paying some attention to what I put in my body, but with this past week's bout of illness, all I want is comfort foods. A lot of comfort foods. This is after stress eating candy. And not working out to save my back. And any number of excuses.

And I have maintained (plus or minus 2 pounds) the 170 pounds that I achieved back in July. I just have to keep maintaining until I can reach the point where I have enough balance to make the changes needed.

GABF will be a difficult time to maintain, but it's Denver. I will walk miles every day. And those miles will keep me in check from the pints that I will consume.

Hopefully.

~Katie

Rest

Last night, I really only did some high & slow stepping to get my heart going a tiny bit. My back was still in a fair amount of pain, so no impact or twisting was needed.

I iced it that evening & slept with an ice pack under my back for most of the night. I kept my knees elevated on a pillow & a very small pillow under my neck. I woke up much relieved. I was still a bit stiff, but I could move fluidly. 

By the end of the work day, I had no pain! I could even roll my hips. Yes, I roll my hips to the songs in my head. 

I decided to do a TurboFire Fire workout to get my heart rate up. I miss it! Anyways, I got 20 minutes in and realized the cross cuts were not doing my healing any good. So I stopped and did some jumping jacks, running in place, bicep curls, and whatever I could think of to make it longer.

So now, back to ice, after I eat something. 

But first, YAY! My back isn't screaming at me!

~Katie

Back Pain

Over the past 2 weeks, I've developed some very uncomfortable lower back pain.

Today is the worst.

It started on a weekend that I was rather lazy and stayed in bed way longer than I needed to. But I was reading and was loving it. However, that began the back pain. All of a sudden, I could not bend over very far without feeling as slight twinge in my lower back.

Then I let it rest, but not lying down. I have lessened the intensity of my workouts, which I had already done with my tweaked shoulder.  And it was going fine. It was feeling better.

And then last night, I did a move, standing up, but twisting my trunk, that made my lower back go *ouch*. And so I lowered the intensity and focused on just doing things that were not trunk twisting. And then I took a bath to relax the muscles, and then went to bed.

I think that this was a bad move.

I don't think my posture in the very shallow bath helped matters.

I don't think that my bed helped matters. It's rather soft, and I fear that I'm having a hammock effect.

I hate that! I just bought the mattress 4 months ago! It was a big purchase, I'm not going to throw it out, or donate it, but if it's hurting my back, I don't see how I can stick with it.

So I had really bad sleep last night.
My back hurts more than it ever has.
And I just don't quite know how to focus on things.
I'm in a fog of pain.

Boo.
~Katie