Reacting

I'm going through a bad period right now.

There is a lot of my life that is in flux. Many aspects of my life are on the precipice of change or currently actively changing. It's all for the better.

However, I find myself reacting to the changes.

All I want to do at home is sit there and read and have a glass of wine.

I don't want to clean the house, but I have to. We're showing the house and nothing puts buyers off more than leaving your bed unmade and dirty dishes in the sink and dirty laundry strewn throughout.

I don't want to work out. I should work out. I really should, but it's the first thing that I throw out the window when I get home. I do the cleaning of the house instead.

I don't want to wake up early. Waking up early means that I have time to work out before work. It also means that I get 2-3 hours less sleep each night. I love my sleep. I need my sleep.

And as time goes on, I've been stagnant on the weightloss front. I gained weight over vacation, and am now in the 177 range that I have been toying with for MONTHS. I know what needs to happen. I need to eat foods that nourish the body rather than the comfort foods that I crave. I need to drink more water and less wine/beer. I need to work out for 30 minutes a day regardless of whether I feel like it or not.

Every day that goes by that I remain stagnant or continue with bad habits, I feel more guilty. I feel less attractive. I feel like I'm ugly.

I spent most of my vacation avoiding photos. I didn't want to look at them. Because all I saw was that I am 10 pounds heavier than I was this time last year. That I've slipped so much and let myself go. I got angry with myself and how I couldn't see the "looking good" that others kept commenting on. I found myself fighting them. Every compliment I was given was retorted with "ugh, I'm so fat" or "yeah, well, I wish I could see what you see" because all I saw was my big belly and my oversized breasts. And that I could have been working out, but I wasn't. I could have been forgoing the ice cream, but I didn't. I could have had a yogurt for breakfast, but I had raisin toast with butter or a donut, or both. I could have chosen to go for a walk, but I didn't. I could have chosen a million other things over the past year that would have been positive for my body, but I indulged. I was lazy.

And as much as I want to change, part of me is just plain tired of the constant battle inside my head.

But I won't. Because I do want to be healthy.

I would like to be 30 pounds lighter, or even 20 pounds lighter.
I know it's not an impossible goal, but it's not easy. It's a struggle. Every. Single. Day.

~Katie