Thursday, October 15, 2015

Body Dysmorphia & the Post-Partum Body

I don't really remember feeling this way ever. Not even the first time I was recovering from pregnancy.

Walking around, and even glancing in the mirror every once in a while, I feel fantastic about my body. I've got some lumps. I've got some pooch over my C-Section scar. My boobs are gargantuan. But those things don't bother me. I still feel fantastic.

And then I put on clothes.

Or see a photograph.

And all of that confidence and positivity crashes to the ground because I see myself as this gigantic fat lardo. And I wonder if this is what everyone else sees when they look at me.

In my mind's eye, I am hovering around 150 lbs, as I did for over a decade. I now realize that it has been nearly 5 years since I was even near weighing that much on the regular. I've been hovering around 170-180 lbs for the past 5 years with occasional bouts of losing weight.

But in my mind's eye, when I get dressed, I'm that shape. I feel that shape. My body remembers that shape. And that is wonderful most of the time.

Until I am confronted with reality and actually see the extra 40 pounds on my thighs, around my midsection, in my ample bosom, on my upper arms, and under my chin.

And I remind myself to give myself some slack.

My midsection is still recovering from carrying a baby inside of it. Inside of the muscle. My body is still reorganizing to not accommodating an enlarged womb.

I have lost 90% of the pregnancy pounds that I put on. I am still about 2 pounds over where I was when I got pregnant and 10 pounds over where my lowest weight during pregnancy was. It hasn't even been 5 months.

My body is a powerhouse of milkmaking production and my curves comfort my child when nothing else can.

And I remind myself that how I react to my body and how I take care of my body and how I talk about my body is a projection to my child of how to view his own body and the bodies of those around him.

I want to teach him to take joy in his body. To move his body and keep his body in a form that will sustain him and sustain his health and goals. Joy. That's what I want. I want him to view bodies with joy. To make habits based on joy. If a body is not fed enough or is fed too much, it cannot sustain running and jumping and dancing, and cannot foster joy. If we fight against our bodies or disparage our bodies, we are not honoring them.

And so I must learn from what I want for him. And I must take the steps to interfere with my own self-critic and look forward into the joy of the body and having a body that is capable of incredible things.

Dancing
Singing
Running
Jumping
Growing Life
Feeding
Showing Love

~Katie

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

So, I Have a Baby Boy, Now

I haven't blogged in forever.

It's been 20 weeks since Logan joined us in the outside world! Yay!

Last I updated was 36 weeks pregnant.

So here's a few photos of those few weeks leading up to Logan's birth.
I was working a ton and exhausted

Finally on mat leave, much more rested

T minus 1.5 hours until the arrival of our bundle of joy!




We stayed home for the first few weeks, and then we took off on an adventure. When Logan was 7 weeks old, we started the drive up to Nova Scotia, where we stayed for a month, then drove to Albuquerque, NM, stayed for a few days and then finally headed home.

I'm back at work now, and James is fulfilling his role as lead parent and DAD.



 In the coming month, I may not be focusing my blog on working out. I have a need to express my thoughts and I just may be doing a daily blog to get out my thoughts on the experience of being a working mom while keeping up with my exclusively breastfed baby by pumping at work, and figuring out the balance of when exactly to work out.

Thanks for the break!
Katie